Bridget Jones's Diary: A Novel by Helen Fielding

Author:Helen Fielding
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Picador
Published: 1997-10-01T16:00:00+00:00

Huh

Sunday 2 July

8st 10 (continuing good work), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, calories 995, Instants 0: perfect.

7.45 a.m. Mum just rang. 'Oh, hel o, darling, guess what?'

'I'l just take the phone in the other room. Hang on,' I said, glancing over nervously at Daniel, unplugging the phone, creeping next door and plugging it in again only to find my mother had not noticed my absence for the last two and a half minutes and was stil talking.

' . . . So what do you think, darling?'

'Um, I don't know. I was bringing the phone into the other room like I said,' I said.

'Ah. So you didn't hear anything?'

'No.' There was a slight pause.

'Oh, hel o, darling, guess what?' Sometimes I think my mother is part of the modern world and sometimes she seems a mil ion miles away. Like when she leaves messages on my answerphone which just say, very loudly and clearly, 'Bridget Jones's mother.'

Hel o? Oh, hel o, darling, guess what?' she said, again.

'What?' I said resignedly.

'Una and Geoffrey are having a Tarts and Vicars party in the garden on the twenty-ninth of July. Don't you thin that's fun! Tarts and Vicars! Imagine!'

I tried hard not to, fighting off a vision of Una Alconbury in thigh boots, fishnet nights and a peephole bra. For sixty-year-olds to organize such an event seemed unnatural and wrong.

'Anyway, we thought it would be super if you and' - coy, loaded pause - 'Daniel, could come. We're al dying to meet him.'

My heart sank at the thought of my relationship with Daniel being dissected in dose and intimate detail amongst the Lifeboat luncheons of Northamptonshire.

'I don't think it's real y Daniel's - ' Just as I said that the chair I had, for some reason, been balancing on with my knees while I leaned over the table fel over with a crash.

When I retrieved the phone my mother was stil talking.

'Yes, super. Mark Darcy's going to be there, apparently, with someone, so . . . '

'What's going on?' Daniel was standing stark naked in the doorway. 'Who are you talking to?'

'My mother,' I said, desperately, out of the corner of my mouth.

'Give it to me,' he said, taking the phone. I like it when he is authoritative without being cross like this.

'Mrs Jones,' he said, in his most charming voice. It's Daniel here.'

I could practical y hear her going al fluttery.

'This is very bright and early on a Sunday morning for a phone cal . Yes, it is an absolutely beautiful day. What can we do for you?'

He looked at me while she chattered for a few seconds then turned back to the receiver.

'Wel , that'l be lovely. I shal put that in the diary for the twenty-ninth and look out my dog col ar. Now, we'd better get back and catch up on our sleep. You take care of yourself, now. Cheerio. Yes.

Cheerio,' he said firmly, and put the phone down.

'You see,' he said smugly, 'a firm hand, that's al it needs.'

Saturday 22 July

8st 11 (hmm must get 1lb off), alcohol units 2, cigarettes 7, calories 1562.

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